Happy today everyone! Last time I talked about an important mindset shift for survival holiday chaos: being the anchor for your family instead of the cruise director. And as helpful as that mindset shift has been for me, it’s only part of the puzzle for riding the waves without loosing my cool. Today we’re looking at the game plan for how to stay anchored when the ship hits the sugar-fueled storm…
(remember, it doesn’t have to be a perfect Halloween in order to be pretty darn good)
Ride the Energy Wave (and Double Dip)
When it comes to being an anchor during those meltdowns, we have to acknowledge that our kids aren't the only ones dysregulated (I'm looking at you, pumpkin spice muffins and fresh-pressed cider… your Autumn deliciousness deregulates my system just as much as Halloween and the resulting sugar rush deregulates my kids!)
What happens is we end up in a power struggle that's really an energetic tug of war because there's an imbalance of energy on both sides. So instead of just thinking, "How can I support my kid during these hard moments?" I want you to think, "What can support both of us in these moments?"
What helps calm and regulate both of you?
Is it a spontaneous dance party to a song you love so your kids can get the wiggles out, but you can get your spirits back up?
Is it stepping outside for a minute and hit the reset button for both of you as that cold autumn air hits your face?
Maybe it’s asking your partner to take on the job that requires more energy and patience (like bath time or getting ready for bed) so you can have the calmer job instead (like washing dishes - I’m not usually a fan, but when I’m stressed out that hot soapy water in a quiet kitchen can actually feel pretty calming).
The reason this works is because for a few minutes, you're not just managing their behavior; you are getting both of your needs met at the same time. This is what we call "Double Dipping." In the dance party idea, the kids are getting their wiggles out, and you're getting a dopamine hit. You both feel good after it. There are lots of opportunities for Double Dipping moments once you start looking for them.
Now that you've got a tool for managing your own energy alongside your kids, let's tackle the biggest power struggle of all: the candy.
Drop the Rope on the Candy Wars
Sometimes the worst parenting power struggles happen after Halloween—all those fights about the candy. So instead of getting into that tug of war, let's drop the rope before the struggle even happens. The best way to do this is to have a simple, collaborative, and pre-communicated plan before trick-or-treating even starts.
And the most important thing to remember in making a plan is that you are the most qualified person to make one for your family. Just because the family down the street has one plan for managing Halloween candy doesn't mean that same plan is going to work for your family. I have a kid who once discovered orange juice in the fridge, thought it was amazing, and snuck into the back bathroom to wedge himself between the toilet and the wall to drink it all. Needless to say, free-range access to the candy bowl probably isn't going to work for my family, and that's okay.
Decide what sounds like it might work for you and give it a try. The way you can make it more successful is simply by talking about it beforehand. Kids like to know what to expect, and if there are any opportunities where you can collaborate with them, they're going to have that much more buy-in, which is the key to preventing tantrums and meltdowns. Find places they can make a choice, even a choice as small as, "Hey, if I give you a candy in your lunchbox tomorrow, would you like a chocolatey candy or a fruity candy?" That can go such a long way.
Now, we’ve got a plan for the meltdowns and the candy... but what about the rest of it… the overwhelm of all the things you're 'supposed' to do, and maybe just don’t have time for?
Purposely put off an expectation til next week
This is my favorite tip by far. The best thing about savoring holiday fun is that you don’t have to strictly follow the calendar. There are no Halloween police that come into your house on November 1st saying, “Alright, time to clear all this spooky stuff out - no more ghosts and candy corn, we gotta get ready for the next things!!”
I have a friend who used to live in Leavenworth, WA - a small touristy town that looks like a magical Bavarian village. They go all out at Christmas time and it draws in a huge holiday crowd from all over the state. But what my friend loves to point out is that the beautiful lights and festivities keep going (and are just as beautiful) after Christmas up until New Years.
There are no rules saying you have to do all of the Halloween stuff before Oct. 31st - you are allowed to slow down before the holiday and give yourself time afterwards to do some of the fun and special things you might not have time or energy to do beforehand. Why jam them all together when you can slow down and savor them instead?
This applies to all kinds of holiday overwhelm and expectations for things we want to do during a certain holiday, but run out of time (I wrote about capturing this treasured memento after Christmas one year in this old newsletter… it still makes my heart sing ever year I unpack it, I’m so glad I didn’t let the calendar keep me from missing out on this!)
Didn’t get to watch Hocus Pocus or make that crescent roll mummy hot dog dinner that your mom used to make you when you were a kid? Plan a mid-November family movie night - it’ll still be fun, and it’s a perfect way to reduce holiday stress by spreading it out.
This is especially easy when you’ve got young children. They literally have no concept of what day it is. For years we’ve held Christmas on days other than Dec. 25th so we could celebrate with family (my kid was none the wiser, not that he would have cared at that age). To me it’s no different than waiting until the weekend after a birthday to hold a birthday party, something that’s pretty widely accepted.
