I know you are so stretched thin this week. Halloween has become a demanding holiday, with big expectations around every corner for us to make things grand and special. Plus, it throws a lot of curveballs at us as parents - from the parties and special events to attend, to getting the costumes right, to our kids staying up late and ingesting huge amounts of sugar all month long.
Throw in the fact that a lot of schools also have full or partial day closures for conferences during this time and all sense of normalcy or routine just seem to fly out the window!
(I'll admit it, as a teacher I am totally for timing conferences this way, but as a parent I also feel how hard it is to make it through such a crazy week)
Altogether, it's just so much going on that is meant to be fun, exciting, and memory-making stuff… but when there's so much of it, it's just too much.
And this I know to be true about holidays: you cannot savor a holiday or a special time if you are too stressed out by it.
I’ve learned this firsthand. The most painful example was the year I tried to put so much into one holiday - to try to include everybody, to do all the fun things, make all the good food - that the very people I wanted to do it for did it all for flat out told me afterwards they didn't have very much fun. I mean, how bad does it have to be when your incredibly polite and loving friends and family members are willing to confess that all that work you were trying to do for them actually stressed them out?
But they were right. If I’m honest, I didn't have a lot of fun that holiday either. Instead of creating quality memories for myself, what I remember most is feeling discouraged and disappointed when things weren’t working out how I wanted them too.
So learn from my mistake: Don't be the parent who hears from their kids years later, "Honestly mom, all that stuff you did to try to make it special and fun really just made us feel busy."
Instead of over-planning “the greatest Halloween season ever!” let’s get serious for a second and think realistically about moving the expectations down to, “Let’s actually enjoy Halloween, by enjoying what’s already good enough.”
Be the Anchor, Not the Cruise Director
My mom lovingly teases me about being "the cruise director," which is a dead-on label for me. I'm a Maximizer, an Enneagram Seven, a lover of possibilities, even a recovering perfectionist - I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to do all of the fun things, and I constantly have to face my fear of FOMO and call it into check.
But here's what I've learned about cruise directors: that role is appropriate for a big ship with thousands of people to please at different times. And it is a paid position; they are not curating fun and fulfillment for themselves, they are planning it for everyone around them.
It's not an appropriate role for guiding our families. Because guess what? Even though you're a mom, you're still part of the family. Your needs matter along with everyone else’s, and you get to have some fun along the way too.
So let's shift from being the cruise director to the ship's anchor.
The cruise director parent feels responsible for manufacturing fun, for managing everybody's emotions, and ensuring a perfect experience. That's exhausting, and impossible.
The anchor's only job is to be a calm, steady presence for the family. It’s what guides the back to normal when the waves of sugar and excitement get a little too rocky this week.
I’ll warn you though, this mindset shift is only going to work for you if you take some of those cruise director expectations off your plate first (you’ve heard Felicia and I say this before, you have to remove in order to improve). Take a look at your expectations for Halloween this year… where is there room to take something off of your plate?
Can the cupcakes you were supposed to bring to school be store-bought instead of homemade? Does the porch really have to look Pinterest-perfect? Does that costume really need those extra special touches that are going to require you putting in hours more work into it, or does your kid already think it's plenty cool as it is?
Removing just one "should" from your plate can give you back the time, energy, and focus you need become that anchor. When it feels rocky and chaotic this week, try to take a moment and think back to some of the things you’ve already rocked this month, and the things that are working out “good enough” for the kids to have a good time… and know that you’ve got this.
