If you're tired of fighting tooth and nail with your inner critic, this one is for you.
Why "What If" Hurts: It's a Threat to Our Identity
Shame, guilt, and the “what if” questions go so much deeper than the mistake that sparks them. They make us question our identity. They lead to the big bold questions of, “Am I a good parent? Am I an irresponsible mom? Am I a bad mom?” I gotta tell you, I don’t think there could be a worse set of questions when it comes to me and my identity. That’s because becoming a mom is the one and only thing I’ve always known I’ve wanted. More than that, I wanted to be a good mother. To have any threats to my ability to actualize that destiny felt like a threat to my entire existence. The thought alone of not being a good mom felt more dangerous and damaging than any other self doubt ever could.
Our Instinct to 'Fight' the Bear (And Why It Fails)
Self doubt of this magnitude has the ability to drown out all reasoning and common sense. It’s where our inner critic can rip apart our pride and self-respect, and lock us inside a prison of shame and parent guilt harsher than anything else. It can poison our spirits with cynicism and self-loathing, no matter how good we’re actually doing.
Now here's the thing. We feel so terrible when we encounter these things that our brains and hearts naturally want to protect themselves (Can we blame them when those emotions feel so much like self-hatred and aggression?) Sometimes we run from it, cover it up, look away - any other way - so we don’t have to feel it. Other times our instinct is to fight it, to get mad and blame other factors, other people, and try to be bigger and more powerful than the voice so we can scare it off. Ironically, it can feel like we’re fighting for our lives, just like if we had to fight off a threatening beast with all our strength and power.
The problem, however, is that you cannot outrun a bear or a mountain lion. And while you might be able to make yourself big and loud enough to scare one away, none of us are a match to the teeth, claws, and muscle if we were to get into a fight with such a creature.
You cannot just run away from those feelings. You cannot fight them, or yell at them to stop.
So what do you do when the ‘Bear’ shows up?
The “what if” voice doesn’t need a fight, it just needs to be heard. You have to respect it. You have to address it. You have to hear it out.
It wasn’t until the worst happened (the biking accident with my son) that I had a chance to embrace this new reframe that could finally bring me peace. Here is the 2-step tool I used to change the “what if’s” to something better...
In this video, I walk you through the exact 2-step process I used to finally find peace from my inner critic.
As I explain in the video, the solution isn't to fight the bear, it's to hear it out. That’s the first part of my 2-step framework to stop the “what if” spiral and quiet my inner critic.
Step 1: Hear the Bear Out (Acknowledge the Fear)
Why are these emotions coming up? Fear and shame and guilt... They're not ill-meaning. They're actually trying to protect us, to help us.
It’s like when our kids are trying their best to tell us what is bothering them, but they’re struggling to find the words and even figure out their own emotions. We have to read in between the lines (sometimes between outbursts, sobs, and thrown limbs… it’s not easy having big emotions). While our adult reactions might be a bit more subdued, we still have to decode our emotional reactions so we can hear what our emotions want to tell us. So when fear and shame come up, we have to hear them out: “What's bothering you, Guilt? What is it you’re scared might happen, Fear? What do you want me to hear, Worry?”
And just like a young child who finally feels understood about what's bothering them, who was able to let out all that big energy and emotion, there's this wave of relief that comes from hearing your own emotions out fully and completely. It’s then that you can actually do some reasoning. Then you can do some problem solving.
Step 2: Write Your “Counter-Script” (And Find Your Truth)
Now you can employ step 2, and that’s writing a new counter-script. This is where you use the parent experience you already have from all those times you’ve helped your child after a difficult time.
Instead of running away from the scary stream of, “what if…” “what if…” “what if…” let’s face it and support it:
"Fear, I get it. You're really concerned about this. But here's the truth…" And then you might say something like this…
"I made the best decision I was able to make in that moment."
"I actually did do the best thing I could have done, because I had no way of knowing what was going to happen next."
"Perfect was never an option. I could only do what I was capable of doing at that time."
So instead of letting fear and shame and doubt question your competency, your value, your worth... take that opportunity to recognize, “I did the best I could. Mistakes happen, and they do not make me a bad parent.”
“I am a good parent doing the very best that I can.”
These aren't fake affirmations. This is sitting yourself down, looking yourself in the eye, and saying what's really true. And that gives you freedom from what is genuinely one of the worst parts of parent guilt - the lies we tell ourselves. Start saying to yourself what is really true.Learn more
Encountering the metaphorical 'bear in the woods' as a parent is something I explore deeply in my personal story about my bike accident with my son. If this post resonated with you, and you want to stop those “What if” questions once and for all, I invite you to listen to the full Bike Story Mini-series on our podcast. You can start with the first episode, From "Mom Guilt" to "Mom Badassery" right here.
