The Parent Empowerment Movement - Blog #parent guiltThe Parent Empowerment Movement - Blog #parent guilthttps://www.theparentempowermentmovement.com/blogs/tag/parent-guiltTue, 10 Mar 2026 18:45:35 -0700http://zoho.com/sites/<![CDATA[3 Christmas Fails that Aren’t Failures: Beating Holiday Perfectionism]]>https://www.theparentempowermentmovement.com/blogs/post/christmas-fails-holiday-perfectionismFeeling like you failed Christmas? Discover why 3 common holiday 'fails' are actually wins for the 'good enough' parent. Ditch the perfectionism today.]]>
I dug this out of the archives, and it's exactly what I needed to read today - and I thought you might need it too! I wrote this to our newsletter list 3 years ago, and I think it's arguably MORE relevant now than it was then.
​Happy reading and Happy Holidays! - Jenny

Anyone else watch “Bad Mom’s Christmas?” Felicia and I love it - my favorite part is the opening narration that calls out how ridiculously hard dedicated parents work to make the holidays the best it can possibly be for our kids - and how impossible it is to live up to this standard!
 
It’s no secret that there’s a lot of pressure we put on ourselves, and that society puts on us. Here are 3 ways to take some of it off of this past Christmas and the ones to come:

1. Ghosts of Christmases Past can become Presents to Christmases Future

30 year old handmade ornaments my family made during my parents' brilliant "Hail Mary" move to save Christmas when they thought it had been ruined.

When I was 7 years old my family moved over Christmas time, and ALL of our Christmas decorations were stuck in storage! Buying all new things was out of the question, and my parents hated the idea of one of my childhood Christmases being anything but magical. Luckily we were an artsy craftsy family. So, together, we all made ornaments out of wrapping paper, sparkly pipe cleaners, and a big roll of holographic snowflake stickers that still lives on in my craft closet!
 
What started out as a disaster became a very special and memorable Christmas. Almost 30 years later, the ornaments that lasted are some of my most cherished ones on my tree.

(I actually just recorded a whole YouTube video about this specific idea—link).

2. Do a missed want-to-do activity anyway (even in January)

The art print I made of my son's Mistle-toe feet. My favorite Christmas decoration, even though I made it in January.

There are usually more quintessential Christmas activities we want (or feel pressured) to do than we have time for in December. Likely, you had to skip something you didn't actually want to skip because you ran out of time and energy. But guess what? Most of them you can still do!
 
It’s a simple thought, but most of us get so caught up trying to make Christmas feel perfect that we forget rational concepts like this. It felt like an epiphany to me when I had this thought the year my son was one. I really wanted to make a “mistle-toes” art print with his little feet, but was way too tired before Christmas to do it (normally I’m a scrooge about hand and foot print art, but this one hits right me in the holiday feels). But on Jan. 15th the light bulb came on, and I just did it!
 
The following Christmas, when I unwrapped that sentimental treasure, I was even more proud of myself for following through on doing something important to me than ever before! Now when I look at his little green footprints I feel both mama joy AND pride in breaking free from the limiting belief that things must be done on one set timeline.

(If you listened to last week's podcast episode about surviving the "ber" months without holiday burn out, you know this story well! It's the legend of the January Footprints - cause I STILL feel crazy proud of not letting an imaginary deadline keep me from having something I love!)

3. Choose what's going to be different for next year

Me sitting on a stool to journal while my son is busy having fun counting his bath toys at bath time. Sometimes our best moments for self-care are when we're living life side by side our kids.

Parents have to be more creative and flexible than others in figuring out how we make time for reflection. Still, it's an important "want to do" I try to make space for amongst my "have to do's."

If something from this holiday season gets you down, take time now to assess it so you can work towards changing it next year. Sometimes the solution is as simple as a little planning or mindfulness. Other times we have regrets or frustrations that touch deeper matters of the heart, and we have to look below the surface: Were your values compromised? Was there something you wish you had stood up for? Did you veer from your own vision to make other people happy?

It may be uncomfortable at first, but doing this now can genuinely empower you to get the kind of Christmas you really want next year. We talked a lot about this in one of our summer time podcast episodes, "Family Vacations (and how to survive them)" - if you this is something you're dealing with I really encourage you to listen to this specific episode.

Helping parents figure out how they can prioritize their values without loosing their sanity is why Felicia and I do this work - if you’re feeling stuck on how to get more of what’s important to you and your family into your life (regardless of the season) don't give up! We have a lot of resources that help. We also invite you to schedule a time to chat with one of us about joining our beautiful community.

(schedule a chat for group)

Get some more helpful tips:


This quick read:

- How to Beat Holiday Burnout with the "3 Things Rule" for Parents


Related podcast episodes (available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts):

- Season 2, Episode 13 - The "Ber" Months: How to Survive the Holiday Rush Without Burning Out

- Season 1, Episode 11 - Family Vacations (and how to survive them)


YouTube watch:

- Not a Mom Fail (Christmas Version)

]]>Thu, 11 Dec 2025 15:06:15 -0800<![CDATA[The “What If” Spiral: How to Find Peace After a Parenting Mistake]]>https://www.theparentempowermentmovement.com/blogs/post/peace-after-parenting-mistakeFeeling overwhelmed by parent guilt or a 'what if' spiral after a parenting mistake? Learn a 2-step tool to quiet your inner critic and stop feeling like a 'bad mom'.]]>

If you're tired of fighting tooth and nail with your inner critic, this one is for you.

The “what if” questions are the most paralyzing questions that parents can encounter. We feel them in our bodies - our shoulders hunch, our hearts race, we might feel ice run through our veins... But I’m not just talking about the future “what if” questions (“what if something happens to my child, my partner, to me?”). No. the questions that give me all of those physical symptoms and more are the ones looking into the past. “What if I'd done something different? What if I hadn't yelled at him? What if I had just been better?”


That "I should have done better" voice... it can be relentless, can't it? Because as terrible as fear is, parent guilt and shame are way more paralyzing.

That voice used to terrify me - it sparked panic akin to stumbling onto a bear or mountain lion on a forest hike. You run into this thing that is bigger than you, that can gobble you up, that makes you think, “this has the power to end me and my life as I know it.” That's what those shame and doubt questions can do to us.

Why "What If" Hurts: It's a Threat to Our Identity

Shame, guilt, and the “what if” questions go so much deeper than the mistake that sparks them. They make us question our identity. They lead to the big bold questions of, “Am I a good parent? Am I an irresponsible mom? Am I a bad mom?” I gotta tell you, I don’t think there could be a worse set of questions when it comes to me and my identity. That’s because becoming a mom is the one and only thing I’ve always known I’ve wanted. More than that, I wanted to be a good mother. To have any threats to my ability to actualize that destiny felt like a threat to my entire existence. The thought alone of not being a good mom felt more dangerous and damaging than any other self doubt ever could.

Our Instinct to 'Fight' the Bear (And Why It Fails)

A bear in a forest, representing the 'what if' spiral of parent guilt and the inner critic.

Self doubt of this magnitude has the ability to drown out all reasoning and common sense. It’s where our inner critic can rip apart our pride and self-respect, and lock us inside a prison of shame and parent guilt harsher than anything else. It can poison our spirits with cynicism and self-loathing, no matter how good we’re actually doing.

Now here's the thing. We feel so terrible when we encounter these things that our brains and hearts naturally want to protect themselves (Can we blame them when those emotions feel so much like self-hatred and aggression?) Sometimes we run from it, cover it up, look away - any other way - so we don’t have to feel it. Other times our instinct is to fight it, to get mad and blame other factors, other people, and try to be bigger and more powerful than the voice so we can scare it off. Ironically, it can feel like we’re fighting for our lives, just like if we had to fight off a threatening beast with all our strength and power.

The problem, however, is that you cannot outrun a bear or a mountain lion. And while you might be able to make yourself big and loud enough to scare one away, none of us are a match to the teeth, claws, and muscle if we were to get into a fight with such a creature.

You cannot just run away from those feelings. You cannot fight them, or yell at them to stop.

So what do you do when the ‘Bear’ shows up?

The “what if” voice doesn’t need a fight, it just needs to be heard. You have to respect it. You have to address it. You have to hear it out.

It wasn’t until the worst happened (the biking accident with my son) that I had a chance to embrace this new reframe that could finally bring me peace. Here is the 2-step tool I used to change the “what if’s” to something better...

In this video, I walk you through the exact 2-step process I used to finally find peace from my inner critic.

As I explain in the video, the solution isn't to fight the bear, it's to hear it out. That’s the first part of my 2-step framework to stop the “what if” spiral and quiet my inner critic.

Step 1: Hear the Bear Out (Acknowledge the Fear)

Why are these emotions coming up? Fear and shame and guilt... They're not ill-meaning. They're actually trying to protect us, to help us.

It’s like when our kids are trying their best to tell us what is bothering them, but they’re struggling to find the words and even figure out their own emotions. We have to read in between the lines (sometimes between outbursts, sobs, and thrown limbs… it’s not easy having big emotions). While our adult reactions might be a bit more subdued, we still have to decode our emotional reactions so we can hear what our emotions want to tell us. So when fear and shame come up, we have to hear them out: “What's bothering you, Guilt? What is it you’re scared might happen, Fear? What do you want me to hear, Worry?”

And just like a young child who finally feels understood about what's bothering them, who was able to let out all that big energy and emotion, there's this wave of relief that comes from hearing your own emotions out fully and completely. It’s then that you can actually do some reasoning. Then you can do some problem solving.

Step 2: Write Your “Counter-Script” (And Find Your Truth)

An affectionate moment between a mama bear and her cub, representing how we can lovingly tend to the worries of our inner critic like we would our children.

Now you can employ step 2, and that’s writing a new counter-script. This is where you use the parent experience you already have from all those times you’ve helped your child after a difficult time.

Instead of running away from the scary stream of, “what if…” “what if…” “what if…” let’s face it and support it:

"Fear, I get it. You're really concerned about this. But here's the truth…" And then you might say something like this…

"I made the best decision I was able to make in that moment."

"I actually did do the best thing I could have done, because I had no way of knowing what was going to happen next."

"Perfect was never an option. I could only do what I was capable of doing at that time."

So instead of letting fear and shame and doubt question your competency, your value, your worth... take that opportunity to recognize, “I did the best I could. Mistakes happen, and they do not make me a bad parent.”

“I am a good parent doing the very best that I can.”

These aren't fake affirmations. This is sitting yourself down, looking yourself in the eye, and saying what's really true. And that gives you freedom from what is genuinely one of the worst parts of parent guilt - the lies we tell ourselves. Start saying to yourself what is really true.

Learn more

Encountering the metaphorical 'bear in the woods' as a parent is something I explore deeply in my personal story about my bike accident with my son. If this post resonated with you, and you want to stop those “What if” questions once and for all, I invite you to listen to the full Bike Story Mini-series on our podcast. You can start with the first episode, From "Mom Guilt" to "Mom Badassery" right here.

Get Started Now
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