Happy today everyone! Last time I talked about an important mindset shift for survival holiday chaos: being the anchor for your family instead of the cruise director. And as helpful as that mindset shift has been for me, it’s only part of the puzzle for riding the waves without loosing my cool. Today we’re looking at the game plan for how to stay anchored when the ship hits the sugar-fueled storm…

(remember, it doesn’t have to be a perfect Halloween in order to be pretty darn good)

Sometimes the worst parenting power struggles happen after Halloween—all those fights about the candy. So instead of getting into that tug of war, let's drop the rope before the struggle even happens. The best way to do this is to have a simple, collaborative, and pre-communicated plan before trick-or-treating even starts.

And the most important thing to remember in making a plan is that you are the most qualified person to make one for your family. Just because the family down the street has one plan for managing Halloween candy doesn't mean that same plan is going to work for your family. I have a kid who once discovered orange juice in the fridge, thought it was amazing, and snuck into the back bathroom to wedge himself between the toilet and the wall to drink it all. Needless to say, free-range access to the candy bowl probably isn't going to work for my family, and that's okay.

Decide what sounds like it might work for you and give it a try. The way you can make it more successful is simply by talking about it beforehand. Kids like to know what to expect, and if there are any opportunities where you can collaborate with them, they're going to have that much more buy-in, which is the key to preventing tantrums and meltdowns. Find places they can make a choice, even a choice as small as, "Hey, if I give you a candy in your lunchbox tomorrow, would you like a chocolatey candy or a fruity candy?" That can go such a long way.

This is my favorite tip by far. The best thing about savoring holiday fun is that you don’t have to strictly follow the calendar. There are no Halloween police that come into your house on November 1st saying, “Alright, time to clear all this spooky stuff out - no more ghosts and candy corn, we gotta get ready for the next things!!”

I have a friend who used to live in Leavenworth, WA - a small touristy town that looks like a magical Bavarian village. They go all out at Christmas time and it draws in a huge holiday crowd from all over the state. But what my friend loves to point out is that the beautiful lights and festivities keep going (and are just as beautiful) after Christmas up until New Years.

There are no rules saying you have to do all of the Halloween stuff before Oct. 31st - you are allowed to slow down before the holiday and give yourself time afterwards to do some of the fun and special things you might not have time or energy to do beforehand. Why jam them all together when you can slow down and savor them instead?

This applies to all kinds of holiday overwhelm and expectations for things we want to do during a certain holiday, but run out of time (I wrote about capturing this treasured memento after Christmas one year in this old newsletter… it still makes my heart sing ever year I unpack it, I’m so glad I didn’t let the calendar keep me from missing out on this!) 

Didn’t get to watch Hocus Pocus or make that crescent roll mummy hot dog dinner that your mom used to make you when you were a kid? Plan a mid-November family movie night - it’ll still be fun, and it’s a perfect way to reduce holiday stress by spreading it out.

This is especially easy when you’ve got young children. They literally have no concept of what day it is. For years we’ve held Christmas on days other than Dec. 25th so we could celebrate with family (my kid was none the wiser, not that he would have cared at that age). To me it’s no different than waiting until the weekend after a birthday to hold a birthday party, something that’s pretty widely accepted.

My mom lovingly teases me about being "the cruise director," which is a dead-on label for me. I'm a Maximizer, an Enneagram Seven, a lover of possibilities, even a recovering perfectionist - I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to do all of the fun things, and I constantly have to face my fear of FOMO and call it into check.

But here's what I've learned about cruise directors: that role is appropriate for a big ship with thousands of people to please at different times. And it is a paid position; they are not curating fun and fulfillment for themselves, they are planning it for everyone around them.

It's not an appropriate role for guiding our families. Because guess what? Even though you're a mom, you're still part of the family. Your needs matter along with everyone else’s, and you get to have some fun along the way too.

So let's shift from being the cruise director to the ship's anchor.

The cruise director parent feels responsible for manufacturing fun, for managing everybody's emotions, and ensuring a perfect experience. That's exhausting, and impossible.

The anchor's only job is to be a calm, steady presence for the family. It’s what guides the back to normal when the waves of sugar and excitement get a little too rocky this week.

I’ll warn you though, this mindset shift is only going to work for you if you take some of those cruise director expectations off your plate first (you’ve heard Felicia and I say this before, you have to remove in order to improve). Take a look at your expectations for Halloween this year… where is there room to take something off of your plate?

Can the cupcakes you were supposed to bring to school be store-bought instead of homemade? Does the porch really have to look Pinterest-perfect? Does that costume really need those extra special touches that are going to require you putting in hours more work into it, or does your kid already think it's plenty cool as it is?

Removing just one "should" from your plate can give you back the time, energy, and focus you need become that anchor. When it feels rocky and chaotic this week, try to take a moment and think back to some of the things you’ve already rocked this month, and the things that are working out “good enough” for the kids to have a good time… and know that you’ve got this.